A Matter of Taste
by Rhianwen
Summary: Welcome to the first annual Mineral Town Chili Cookoff! Will it be the last? Only time will tell. Karen x Elli.


A Matter of Taste

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Summary: Welcome to the first annual Mineral Town Chili Cookoff! Will it be the last? Only time will tell. Karen x Elli. Based largely on Elli's lament in Back to Nature that she can never enter a cooking contest because she has no sense of taste.

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Disclaimer: I don't own 'em, they don't like me.

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Notes: This story harps shamelessly on Elli's lament in Back to Nature that she can never enter a cooking contest, because she has "no sense of flavour". And on her being the only person who liked the resulting slop if you had Farmerboy purposely screw up the Harvest Festival. Because these things are, indeed, cute to me. Can anyone guess how this ends in Karen x Elli femmeslash?

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All was not well in Mineral Town.

A tense silence hung over Rose Square, despite the quaint cobblestones, the extraordinarily mild and sunny weather, and the rather bizarre cowboy hat, steer skull, and cactus balloons bobbing about on their weighted discs.

Along the brightly decorated, chili-laden judging table were ranged five contestant, sporting expressions of such identical outrage and grimness that the sixth was quite torn between beating a hasty retreat, and giving into the temptation to catch Rick's eye and dissolve into distinctly unladylike snorts of laughter.

"Um...did I say the wrong thing?" Elli Greene was meanwhile venturing timidly from the other side of the judging table, clutching her score sheet tightly to her chest.

She was fairly certain that she had – this sort of horrified hush didn't just fall over a crowd of people on its own, particularly at the exact moment that she announced her choice for the top chili of the day.

But what on earth was the problem? Gotz had voted Chili #5, and all had been well. Carter had voted Chili #5, and all had been well. Barley had voted Chili #5, and all had been well. The doctor and Saibara had nodded their approval for this choice, and all had been well. Sure, her choice was a bit of a departure, but wasn't this the sort of small, rustic town that appreciated diversified thinking?

Apparently, it was not.

"Chili #3 is...Karen Holt's entry," Thomas, Mineral Town's short, stocky little mayor, announced, nevertheless giving his glasses a quick polish and taking another look, just to be sure he wasn't mistaken.

Elli's face lit up with a delighted smile.

"It is? Good job, Karen! It was really delicious! I ate three bowls, even after sampling all the others!"

"Thanks, Elli," Karen muttered, eyes downcast and lips twitching slightly, both from recent eye contact with Rick, and from the deepening of her fellow contestants' scowls. "I try."

Ann, who felt that she had done quite well in keeping silent as long as possible given this travesty of cooking contest mismanagement, slammed both hands down on the table in outrage.

"This is insane! Elli, are you sure you were eating #3?"

"Well, yeah," Elli replied, confused. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, come on!" Ann entreated. "We've been having these cooking contests for years, and no one's ever ranked Karen's cooking as their first choice!"

"Then isn't she due for a break?" Popuri countered, eyes wide and adorably serious, from her position simultaneously within the crowd and as close as possible to her mother. "Karen has been working really hard, and I think it's her turn!"

Lillia patted her daughter's hair lovingly.

"That's a sweet sentiment, Popuri, but this is a cooking contest. It isn't about giving everybody a turn to win; it's about rewarding the best cooking in town."

Here, she turned a reproachful eye on the brunette across the table and three places down.

"That's what I did!" Elli protested. "Karen's chili was fantastic, so I ranked it first place!"

"There has to be a mistake!" Zack insisted from within the crowd. His mood had been steadily as, with each judge who selected Chili #5 - which had, incidentally, been Zack's own favourite as well - Doug had preened a little more, thus revealing it to be the work of Mineral Town's good and gentle innkeeper, not of Lillia. But to see his beloved trounced by that mess that Karen had dragged together, too?

"It doesn't even look like chili," Ann agreed with a mighty harrumph. "It looks like some kind of weird, goopy red stuff with beans and meat floating in it."

"I think you need to go look up the definition of chili, Ann," Rick pointed out helpfully.

"It was burned!" Ann thundered. "The whole thing tasted like a briquette! And she didn't even cut the vegetables. There were whole, unpeeled carrots in there!"

Elli crossed her arms and pouted.

"Since when is adding a little texture and interest a bad thing?"

Ann sputtered, then took a deep, calming breath.

"Whole carrots, Elli. They still had the tops attached!"

"Like _you've_ never run out of time," Karen muttered, arms crossed.

"I think carrot greens are a highly underappreciated culinary treat, anyway," Elli added airily.

"I could have dealt with the carrots," Manna piped up. "Because honestly, who didn't go to enjoy a carrot or two at Old Man Callaghan's farm during the harvest when they were young? Fresh out of the ground, sweet and moist and crisp...heavenly! Karen could well have just been reliving a fond childhood memory, which is rather endearing, and lends a touch of ingenuity and fun that the culinary world often lacks. But the tomato base was terribly overspiced, and burned, as Ann said, and I'm reasonably certain that I tasted chocolate and maple syrup in there. And Karen did the same thing with the potatoes that she did with the carrots – just threw them in whole. They were definitely undercooked, too, and I highly doubt that she remembered to wash them, which is very dangerous. Elli, as a nurse, you ought to know better than to be rewarding that kind of thing! And you, Doctor! Haven't you taught her anything?"

Perhaps Manna had stopped talking. Perhaps she hadn't. As most of Mineral Town had long since developed a Manna-filter, it was never known for certain.

"I would like to think that I've taught her quite well," another of the six judges replied coolly, giving his little employee a brief smile when she assured him, wide-eyed and earnest, that he had taught her very well. "I would also like to remind you, Thomas, that Elli warned you right from the start that she was entirely unsuitable as a judge in a cooking contest."

The behatted, mustached mayor fidgeted.

"Er, yes, well--"

"You wouldn't have a tone-deaf man to judge a musical competition, would you?" the doctor asked, one eyebrow raised. "Or a man who had never been near a sporting event to act as a referree? So why on earth would you insist upon having her as the sixth judge, even after she warned you that she has no sense of taste?"

"We didn't know that she meant it _literally_," Thomas protested.

"Exactly!" Zack agreed. "Who the hell doesn't have a sense of taste?"

"Uh, guys?" Rick piped up. "Were you even _there_ for the Harvest Festival this year? Remember? Karen threw a jar of butterscotch ice cream topping into the pot, and Elli was the only one who could eat it?"

Elli perked up, her annoyance at having that incident drudged up from poor Karen's past yet again vanishing immediately.

"Oh, yeah! I still have some stashed in the freezer! I should get around to thawing it out some time – it was really good."

"Well, she didn't mean it _entirely_ literally," the doctor shrugged, doggedly ignoring all three. "She does have a sense of taste, of course; it's just very strange. I told you at the time that there almost seem to be some crossed wires between her taste buds and her brain. I don't know if it's a medical condition, although I've been meaning to look into it for years."

"I'm always happy to do my part to encourage your workaholism, Doctor," Elli chirped happily.

"Listen, everyone, I don't think we should blame Elli," Thomas broke in hastily before five angry contestants could recall that it had been entirely his doing that had appointed Elli a judge, and shift their blame to him instead. "We knew that a panel was a last resort when the Gourmet couldn't be here to do the honours, and it was just more difficult than we thought to find six available, willing judges with no biases toward or against any of our contestants."

"Unbiased, my ass!" Ann exploded. "Crossed wires are one thing, but we're talking about Karen's cooking! Either Karen paid her off, or they're sleeping together, or something, but someone voting for Karen in a cooking festival just doesn't happen on its own!"

Another, distinctly uneasy silence fell over Mineral Town at Ann's decidedly unkind words, clearly spoken in haste and bound to be regretted before too long.

A few moments and as many patches of tumbleweed later, a soft sniffle broke the silence.

"I can't believe you, Ann!" Elli finally managed amid hiccups and swipes with her handkerchief. "How can you honestly think that I would let my relationship with Karen corrupt a great Mineral Town tradition like the Chili Festival? How can you honestly think that Karen would let me?"

"Uh, actually, this is the first year we've had it," Rick pointed out, only to be completely ignored yet again.

"I thought you were our friend!" the distraught little brunette finished explosively, muffling a sob against her sleeve.

Amid the transformation that followed of the previously uneasy silence into a stunned silence, Ann's eyes grew wobbly, and with some difficulty she caught Elli in a hug over the long narrow table, nearly upsetting a pot of chili in the process.

"I'm sorry, Elli! I know you wouldn't do something like that. I was just frustrated, because I worked so hard on my chili, and no one's even voted it in first place yet, but I shouldn't be taking that out on you, and—hey, wait a second! Does this mean you're really sleeping with Karen?!"

Blushing brightly, and slightly rumpled from Ann's exuberant nature, Elli drew back and tried to assume an air of dignity.

"I hardly think that whether or not Karen and I have taken the step towards physical intimacy has any bearing on the current situation."

"Aaaaaaand, there goes the concept of a _secret_ romance," Karen sighed as the stunned silence of the square burst into excited, scandalized whispers and murmurs, mostly from Manna.

Elli's blush deepened.

"Sorry, Karen."

Karen shrugged.

"Eh, don't worry about it; there was no way we could swear the doctor to secrecy forever."

"Oh, right, because I'm such a gossip," the aforementioned doctor grumbled, arms folded.

"Aww, that's sweet!" Rick laughed from within the crowd. "Karen, haven't you been saying for years that if you ever meet someone who actually likes your cooking, you'll know you've found your soulmate?"

"Yup," Karen replied with a massive, toothy grin. "And the big eyes and the cute little butt don't hurt, either."

"This is ridiculous!" Doug exclaimed. "We can't just let them get away with this!"

"What, dating?" Karen demanded incredulously. "What is this, the twenties?"

"Not dating," the big, bearded redhead scoffed. "A man would have to be crazy to get himself mixed up in all this young love."

"Amen," muttered the doctor, who had found himself involved, as the girls' confidante, quite against his will. However, if it meant that they would keep that little scene involving himself, Carter, and the top of his desk to themselves…

"What we can't let them get away with, is throwing the chili contest this way!" Doug continued grimly.

"You people are horrible!" Elli declared hotly. "Karen's chili was good! Don't get mad at me just because none of you know the difference between burnt and lightly, appetizingly smoked!"

"I wonder if she knows that I really don't care if I get a vote or not," Karen said conversationally to Lillia, who giggled softly and patted her hand.

"Doug," Thomas was meanwhile gently. "Your chili was Elli's second choice, and nearly else's first choice. I think it's safe to say that, romantic bias or no, you've won fairly."

Doug blinked.

"Oh." He paused. "Well, I guess it's not right to just toss out votes like that when we don't agree with them. We should give equal weight to different tastes and opinions."

"He barely missed a beat," Karen noted, impressed.

Ann beamed proudly.

"That's my Dad."

"Of course you shouldn't throw out the girl's votes," Saibara said sternly. "Elli has voted for her top choice, just like everyone else. Thomas, you know that none of us knew the chefs behind each chili before we voted. Even if Elli knew that it was Karen's chili she was voting for, it seems to me that everyone's tastes are shaped, in some measure, by his experiences. If burned, overspiced, runny chili reminds her of Karen and brings up pleasant thoughts, and if this in turn sways her in its favour, it's hardly any different than my own choice of Chili #4 because it has the same simple, home-cooked flavour of my mother's and brings back childhood memories."

"Oh, my! I think #4 was mine!" Manna announced delightedly.

"Thank-you, Saibara!" Elli exclaimed, starry-eyed.

"Yeah, Saibara," Karen muttered, eyes narrowed at this assessment of her cooking. "Thanks."

"Yes, well, you're welcome," the elderly fellow coughed, ears growing slightly red as certain other memories from his youth floated back through his head at the sight of the little nurse's smile, so much like her grandmother's.

"Look, you guys," Zack broke in. "The point is, if we'd known that Karen and Elli were seeing each other, she never would have been appointed!"

"And what a loss _that_ would have been," Elli muttered. "I can't imagine! Actually staying at home and _relaxing_ on my day off for once?!"

"Zack, I really don't think Elli's votes have made that much of a difference anyway," Thomas reminded him hastily as a murmur of agreement rose from the crowd at Zack's words.

"Oh, don't bother," Elli huffed, gathering up her skirts and stepping carefully around the other judges. "Just don't ask me to judge in the next contest if I don't even get to vote for my favourite, instead of everyone else's favourite."

"Karen," the doctor said slowly as Elli stomped from Rose Square. "Did she say she ate three bowls of your chili?"

"Yeah," Karen replied dreamily, a fond smile hovering at her lips. "I think she's trying to butter me up or something."

The doctor winced, both at this – almost – entirely unwanted mental image, and in sympathy of the shooting abdominal pains he was willing to bet Elli was suffering at the moment.

"Uh-huh. Listen, Karen, I think that Elli might have a slight allergy to tomatoes. I don't know how serious it is, but maybe she shouldn't be left alone right now."

"Don't worry, Doctor; I'm on it," Karen assured him, already in mid-sprint after her girlfriend.

After all, she might have the memory of several mornings-after spent sipping Bloody Marys together to refute the doctor's theory of tomato allergies, but the guy was a doctor. Chances were, he had some idea of what he was talking about. As opposed to her, whose entire medical knowledge amounted to insisting, tongue firmly in cheek, that she only drank red wine for her heart.

This, incidentally, was approximately where Elli, tongue equally firmly in cheek, rejoined solemnly that her health was the only reason she ate dark chocolate, and from here, one girl would usually pounce on the other, and the tongues would quickly find other places to pass their time.

"Oh, no! Now Karen looks feverish," Popuri noted fretfully as an indeed rather flushed young lady fought her way through the crowd and departed. "_Everyone's_ starting to get sick!"

"No, I think she's okay," Rick, who had some idea, through years of friendship, exactly where his best pal's mind might be dwelling to make her go all red and glassy-eyed like that, said hastily.

In the following rather awkward silence, Thomas clapped his hands together once and smiled brightly.

"Well, I think we've all learned an important lesson today."

Ann snorted.

"What, that love is blind and has no sense of taste?"

Meanwhile, the doctor was peering closely at his watch.

"…eight…seven…six…five—"

"Hey, Doctor?" called a slightly panicked voice from the path out of Rose Square.

"Yes, Karen?" he asked without turning.

"Elli passed out by the church. I don't know what happened! I thought she looked a little pale this morning, but I didn't think it was anything serious." She threw up her hands in frustration. "Man! It seems like people always get sick the same day I cook for them! Every time! What are the odds?"

The doctor froze in the act of gathering up his things, and looked slowly up at Karen. He drew in a deep breath, prepared to impart the piece of wisdom that would help her connect one occurrence and the other, and then shook his head.

"Alright, let's go get Elli back to the Clinic," he said instead.

After all, there were just some shots that were far too easy for any respectable man to take.

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End Notes: Slight edit, slight improvement, same silly idea!


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